Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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