dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Randomize
