dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
