Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
