I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize