apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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