what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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