a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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