i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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