I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
