the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
