Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
