woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
