So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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