Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
