Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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