everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
