I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
