if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
