I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
