I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
