I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Maybe he injected his testicle?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
