i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
