Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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