Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Even my vagina gasped.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
