Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
