every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I have already put on my inside pants.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize