I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
