I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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