She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm both gender and math confused
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
