You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
