I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize