my mouth tastes like poor choices
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
