You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
