i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
How does one acquire holy water?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
