Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
