I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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