I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
This is my gift to your gina
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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