craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
