I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
