My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
