a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
