I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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