I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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