My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
tell me about the eggs
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
