dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
