Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She's the barista slut.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
