im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
