My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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