I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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