This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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