Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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