she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
As shirtless as possible
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
