I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
