someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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