my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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