I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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